Tonight, I talked a long time with DD.. She's feeling better after her ear infection and swimmer's ears.. She told me all what they were doing. Grandma is spoiling her terribly.. New clothes, toys, backpack for 4th grade with her name stitched on it... Apparently, life is good!
While talking with her, I had to choke back the tears.. I am so glad she's having a good time.. I'm glad she's feeling better..
But I miss her so much it's almost too difficult to type..
One thing she said probably set me off more than anything else.. She wanted to know if her dad wanted to come over to see her when she gets back... I lied. I said I hadn't heard from him.
What was I going to say? He doesn't think enough of you to even try to get a little counseling so he can see her? I'm the bitch that won't let him around you because he is poison to you? That he didn't even bat an eyelash at not getting any visitation at all? That he doesn't care if you move away and he never sees you again?
I doubt he ever calls.. I doubt I'll ever have to deal with them actually seeing each other.. But I have to deal with her thoughts on why he doesn't see her... And I don't know what to do.. Or rather, I know what one does.. However, she'll eventually understand that he just didn't want to see her.. And that's gonna hurt.. How do I minimize that hurt? I can take the angle that he is truly a messed up guy who can't behave in a family situation therefore he choose to abdicate it completely.. I can make him out to be a total SOB who doesn't know how to treat people - family, friends or strangers.. I can tell her what I see.. He feels like a failure because he has 'skated' his entire life without putting much effort forth and now, when effort is required, he just doesn't want to.. Looking back, he has always seemed to be at his worst when something was required of him.. Like being a husband and a father.. When it was just the two of us, he was okay mostly because I have never been 'high-maintenance' in a relationship.. I don't need someone to constantly tell me I'm worthy.. I know that.. But a child.. A child needs that.. I child needs a parent that will encourage them.. Have reasonable expectations, based on the age of the child. Will hug and cuddle them. Will let them snuggle in bed with them when nightmares or storms scare them.. Will keep them in line when they stray.. Will model behaviors they want the child to have..
And he just isn't willing to do that.. Too much effort required..
There are days I hate him....
Ultimately, I feel sorry for him.. He's missing out on a good life..
But, he made his bed..
Sadly, DD will have to suffer for it, too...
3 comments:
I am so very sorry that your ex is not making the effort to have a relationship with DD. He is truly the loser here.
DD will have issues with it, but I know that you will have the presence of mind and fullness of heart to help her.
I've struggled to explain the lack of my Dad's presence to my girls their whole lives. Minimize was all I could do. Sometimes, I would revert to telling them that he makes me sad. Eventually, they stopped asking. Now that they are almost 16 and 19, we've talked a little more about him. It's terribly sad how much he missed out on because he was such an ass. I always thought he would grow up and CHOOSE to be a part of our lives, but life doesn't always work the way you want it to.
After the most revealing conversation yet last week, the 16 year old was incredibly quiet. I am quite sure it will come up again soon. Hopefully, we'll be able to talk about it in a way she can handle. The most important piece I project is about how awesome her dad is by being present in her life. She still won't admit it, but I think she's slowly seeing that his presence isn't just a pain in her ass. Ah, the teen years. . .
Good luck.
ASM - Thank you.. Here's hoping you're right.. :):)
BLTN - One day, she'll realize how lucky she is.. Thanks... :):)
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