Report Cards, Conventions and Hope...

Report cards came home this week.. Rather than in the past where I hoped there were more B's than C's, this time I was not dreading it at all.. For two reasons.. One, because I had been seeing steady improvement in D's work this year. She's 'buying into' the fact that one must do their best. And when she does her best, she makes great grades.. Two, because her school has the grades online so each week I can check to see where she stands, grade-wise..
But, I guess I don't think it's official until I've received the actual report card.. She made an A, four B+'s and two B-'s!! This is cause for celebration in our house!! While I'm not there right now, I will make sure she understands just how very proud I am of her for this.. She's become more organized, she's becoming more diligent in doing her work and she's beginning to value the feeling she gets by getting good grades. She's on the right track now and I'll do everything in my power to keep her there..

Spent the latter part of this week at a convention.. First, let me say that I truly do not like conventions.. Too many people pretending that what ever it is that they do is the most important thing in the world.. And spending too much time trying to convince you of that! Honestly, I'm not much of a 'joiner' at these things.. The thought of 'working a room' is simply tiring.. Oh, I can do it and have done it some.. But I try to limit it.. I've sat through 'educational sessions' that are more a test of endurance than anything else.. The true information I've received could have been emailed to me.. The part I enjoy is the time you can get talking one on one with others in your field.. Not only can you glean valuable information, you also can get a bit of insight on your own situation.. I have about 500K sqft of space for which I'm responsible. I never thought of this as that much.. After all, it's not like I'm the one replacing windows, repairing chillers, installing furniture or picking up the dead birds that fly into our windows.. But I have to make sure it's all done..
After spending just a little time at this thing, I always come away amazed. I don't want to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, but there are people here who have 15K-100K of space who behave as though it's a huge undertaking for which they should be lauded.. And maybe it is.. But when it comes to (as it inevitably does) talking about the space you control, I always get a few gaping looks when I mention mine.. It's not like I do this by myself.. There are maintenance staff, contractors and the like who do the actual work.. I just coordinate it.. Perhaps I don't value what I do enough.. Interesting thought as it brings me to my next topic..

The Agnostic has been completely absent from my life for about 2 days.. This has given me time to reflect on the past few months.. This is not a good thing.. For him, anyway.. When you're in all but constant communication with someone, you often fail to see the big picture.. Or I do.. You see, I didn't really see the things that I did to offer him support. Or the ways in which I merely fed his ego.. The further back I stand, the more I realize just how selfish he was.. How much he relied on me to make him feel good about himself, his work, whatever..
Then I had to start looking at myself.. This is the scariest part.. I see that I was voluntarily doing all these things because I loved him and wanted him to be happier.. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an entirely one way street.. He made me feel happier at times.. But more often than not, it was me propping him up, commiserating with him on his work, helping him understand/deal with a selfish little brat of a daughter.. Not to mention making him feel like more of a winner, when his wife was making him feel like a total loser..
For me, here's where the lesson starts.. Many people in this world enjoy being treated badly.. They profess the opposite is true. However, they repeat patterns of dating, marrying, being with people who do not encourage them to be their best, people who do not appreciate the things they do for them, yet constantly demand more from them.. Each situation is a bit different but the end result is the same.. For me, it's seems to be being attracted to men who need me.. Need my emotional support, use my strength for their own, want compassion and comfort while providing little of any in return.. This is I cycle I need to break.. I have to begin to value myself more... It's not that I want to become the 'taker' in a relationship.. But, being the constant 'giver' is a problem as well.. Because it makes you begin to resent the other person.. You begin to be snippy and start withholding the support/etc that you realize was the basis for the relationship in the first place..
I know there is not always balance.. On occasion you give more than you get.. But there should be the times when you get more than you give.. In the end, it should be more 50-50 than not.. In a relationship, this is what I have to strive for.. Finding the balance..

At times in the past two days, I have had to opportunity to just be me.. Not the supportive one.. Not the mom.. Not the employee or the employer.. Just be myself with no agenda and no requirements.. And I've had a great time doing nothing.. I've met a few nice people.. I've had a couple of very long conversations (2 hours or so each).. And I know that I'm going to be alright.. It may take time, but eventually, I'm going to do just fine..