Making Decisions..

I've been thinking long and hard over the last year.. What kind of life do I want? There was a part of me that drifted towards the unconventional.. Perhaps one where there wasn't one special person but several mostly special people.. Or maybe I would rather not have anyone terribly special at all.. Maybe just a friend every once in a while.. So, decided to pursue that..

But it hasn't been at all satisfying.. So, while I made some friends, it's something I've decided to let go..

Tried some 'regular' dating/relationship.. That didn't work out.. However, neither of the two most prominent were nearby so, combined with some deceit not on my part, those crashed and burned.. One of which is still a friend so thinking batting .500 isn't so bad.. I hate leaving a relationship with bad feelings on anyone's part... Don't think that's going to be resolved with the latest.. Apparently, he hates me.. But, he brought it all on himself so I'll learn to be okay with being hated..

Being out of a hateful marriage was freeing and intimidating.. It's wonderful to walk into your home and not have to brace yourself for whatever onslaught is brewing.. But, it's a little scary to know that you are it.. There is no one to help you and it's all on you.. Kid, house, car, everything.. It is all your responsibility all by yourself. But, it's not something that overwhelming.. Only that going out and having a grown up life can be difficult when there is no one to help you...

So, what do I want? I have narrowed it down by ruling out what I don't want..

I don't want anything casual.. Not looking for someone who can stop by once a week to get happy and then evaporate the rest of the time..

I don't want to live in Indiana anymore..

I don't want to live in a small town hours from a larger town.. I want to be able to have a town within striking distance (less than 45 minutes) where one can shop, go to concerts/theater..

I don't want to be in a place where I have no family to help me.. Raising a child is difficult.. I could do it all by myself.. But, when there is family available, family she should know, is it selfish of me to want to have them in her life if it just happens to make my life a little easier?

I don't want to live in a place where there is no where to breathe.. By that, I mean no outdoor space.. I am not a crunchy girl who can primitive camp. But, I love being outside, in a place that's quiet and sunny.. With sunglasses, a blanket or chaise, a cold drink and a good book.. Apparently, I need a securely fenced backyard or to live in the country..

So far, this is what I've come up with.. Now, to implement.. Always the most difficult..

Will let you know how that goes.. :):)